Letter 22

Dear Mei,

You’d understand.

I’ve known no weakness in my words,

I’ve painted skies, sang on with birds,

All of my own creation–

Always held grand

The way one plays among the Worlds.

 

 

And still, I wish you’d come home sooner.

For I see no relief in that

Which tears me up and makes me mad.

I do enjoy to gift you stories,

But in your eyes, they’re ironclad.

See in them truth they never had.

You’ve thought me strong, like I’m of land…

 

 

Please let me open up and I

Will show you why I think of sky;

I think of little lives I’ve lived

To which I’d rather wave goodbye.

I think of sickness and the way

It ate me up, made me its prey,

Let simple fantasies pass time.

 

 

Though now, I really feel it burn,

Flows back to me each page I turn

A foggy memory,

A haze,

A mist,

It turned to storm! I’ve never felt

Eyes freezing up and cold blood churn.

 

 

So allow me, here to unwind.

But please beware, I won’t be kind.

My hardened veins will keep clear of

Beautiful lies, of things above.

I’ll be of truth, and I won’t shove

Inside Worlds spun, that ease the mind,

Darkened old roads you couldn’t find.

 

 

(...)

I’ve known him then, I know him now.

He saw my name, I wrote it down.

He watched me deep, deeper the bow

He leaned into, center of town.

We’d meet, how they would stop and stare!

Each touch of hand made them aware:

We were in love, and we’d stripped bare.

 

 

I’ve let him wonder on my skin,

He passed through it, and he struck gold,

For I was, oh, so fond of him!

Never amused, sight to behold,

He saw me fervorous and bold.

Swore words like his never been told

Never not sweet, never feet cold.

 

 

I do believe that out of fright,

Sun paled, and knew our faces bright

Enough to mirror it and carry

Such longing gazes into night.

Too soon, cold air began to set,

Flowed down the mountains, day’s regret–

World’s chosen darkness over light.

 

 

I feared I’d lost his brightest shine.

I knew the only time divine

When trees were low, and heat peaked high…

When shadows smiled, when his eyes did.

I thought I’d always find them fine,

Though shadows playing behind him

Led boiling shivers through my spine.

 

 

I’ve been raised proper, was no child–

Could not have fret over the dark.

Monsters unknown I couldn’t welcome,

Wild took no power over me;

Still, light of moon was just a spark

To my eyes, gazing dauntingly

Over at him, and he could see.

 

 

Through light perfume I sensed such fear,

We were so young, and stood so near,

I wished for knowledge of heart spells

So he could know he is so dear,

So bright a love, so pure, so clear…

As if he’d known my thoughts of him

He cupped my face and sound went dim.

 

 

Wind brought us close, though chance, apart,

For when his lips pressed onto mine,

He bloomed, truly bloomed,

His ribs,

His spine,

They opened one by one with time

And I could hear the small bones chime!

 

 

I held myself, such song of craze

I couldn’t stand, my mind ablaze;

I wailed deep, I yearned for blood

I laid down next to him so I

Could see it glow, could hear the flood

Could lick it all, caramel mud!

No sky, no stars have been blessed by

Such sight, a blessing for lands dry.

 

 

I hit ground hard, for once, again,

My tongue, all soiled, recalled when

It curled up through the flesh of men.

I speared through madness, for back then

I held a flower, black and raw,

He was so perfect, held no flaw!

Insides and filth was all I saw.

 

 

Red cloaks were heaved over my head

I grew sore wings from skin I’ve shed

I passed through smoke, through halls of dead

To bring my lover to his bed

A land eternal, where we’d wed,

Word of us still so quick would spread…

For that he’d wished! Still never said.

 

 

A melody for no-heart’s weak,

But how glad I could find myself

That our love had reached its peak!

I couldn’t help but cry and shriek.

I still do, Mei, please help me stop…

I want it back, I crack, I leak,

I kept to life and now I reek.

 

 

Were they just dreams? I’m sick of it

I’d travel to the darkest pit

So I could save myself through them

So I could cut love from its stem.

I’d swallow clots and skulls I’d split

I’d flourish, and I’d surely fit

In with this Land, this sod of spit.

 

 

Here, face me as I am, dear Mei,

If you return, I’ll cease to play

The way I did. I’ll need to heal

I’ll need to drown myself in real.

Til then, I’ll bring back tales serene.

The ones on which I cannot lean

Much longer, before I give in.

 

 

Think with each lie I frame so kind

A vile pleasure lies behind.

Still, burn this one, it’s horror-lined.

I still seek help, for I turned blind

With hunger… I knew sure to find

It in you, by this rough bind.

I swore. Come home, hold me confined.